is your mom at the bar?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
