sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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