i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
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