Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
