Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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