true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
This is classic penis vs brain.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
