the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
