nut hugger
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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