I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Randomize
