We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
