Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Why is there bacon in the couch?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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