He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
It's never too late to be topless.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
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