did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
