i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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