If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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