You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Randomize
