we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
