She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
