it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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