If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
