This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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