Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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