Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
