never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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