did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
