Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
