Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I supernannyed him into submission
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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