I accidentally had phone sex last night
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
