He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
