i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
