i was born a porn star she said
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
