so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
