Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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