$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
