Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Damn victory sex feels great
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
