i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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