i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
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