ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
