I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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