apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I see more hoeing in ur future
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
