I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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