Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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