Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
cat food counts as protein by the way
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
