My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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