Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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