Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
