Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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