I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
