I accidentally had phone sex last night
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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