so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
